1. Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid in my car. It wasn’t serious — nobody saw me.
  2. There is a picture on my phone of me sleeping. I live alone.
  3. My daughter won’t stop crying and screaming in the middle of the night. I visit her grave and ask her to stop, but it doesn’t help.
  4. “I can’t sleep,” she whispered, crawling into bed with me. I woke up cold, clutching the dress she was buried in.
  5. She asked why I was breathing so heavily. I wasn’t.
  6. There’s nothing like the laughter of a baby. Unless it’s 1 a.m. and you’re home alone.
  7. They celebrated the first successful cryogenic freezing. He had no way of letting them know he was still conscious.
  8. She had heard of demons from stories her mother used to tell her as a child. Now she got to see them for real after she got married
  9. I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there?
  10. My sister died yesterday. Now I wish the doctor separated us at birth.
  11. To cure my sister’s insomnia, I helped her sleep forever.
  12. Such Beautiful feet. Such a pretty waist. Such smooth arms. Such a soft neck. Such juicy lips. Oh! You have your mother’s eyes. Said the cannibal before eating his own daughter.
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