1. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

George Carlin

2. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin

3. One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

George Carlin

4. The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

George Carlin

5. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

George Carlin

6. Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

George Carlin

7. Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

George Carlin

8. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

George Carlin

9. You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

George Carlin

10. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

George Carlin

11. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

George Carlin

12. If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten

George Carlin