Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.
Dear Santa, just leave your credit card under the tree.
Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.
That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.
John B. Priestly
Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.
Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.
Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of this day – the birth of Santa?
At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Why were there only three kings at Jesus’ birth?
Elvis had not yet entered the building.
May your longest list this Christmas be the one that counts your blessings.
At Christmas, play and make good cheer, For Christmas comes but once a year.
You are the reason Santa has a naughty list.
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?
May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas Eve.
Santa saw your Instagram pictures. You are getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
Christmas is canceled. You told Santa that you have been good this year. He died laughing.
Know what the best thing about this card is?
It doesn’t come with a fruitcake.
Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.
There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.
Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.
Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.