Written by 16:00 Quotes & Facts

Best Of Short Funny Christmas Quotes

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
Andy Borowitz

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.
Henny Youngman

The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin

Dear Santa, just leave your credit card under the tree.

Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.
Ellen DeGeneres

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
Jerry Seinfeld

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
Kin Hubbard

A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.
John B. Priestly

Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.
Catherine Tate

Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.
Carol Nelson

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of this day – the birth of Santa?
Matt Groening

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At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.
Robert Godden

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
Garrison Keillor

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
Erma Bombeck

One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales.
Grace Kriley

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Bernard Manning

Why were there only three kings at Jesus’ birth?
Elvis had not yet entered the building.
May your longest list this Christmas be the one that counts your blessings.

At Christmas, play and make good cheer, For Christmas comes but once a year.
Thomas Tusser

You are the reason Santa has a naughty list.

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?
Arlo Guthrie

May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas Eve.

Santa saw your Instagram pictures. You are getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.

Christmas is canceled. You told Santa that you have been good this year. He died laughing.

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Merry Christmas.
Know what the best thing about this card is?
It doesn’t come with a fruitcake.

Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
Dave Barry

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.
Larry Wilde

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
Bob Phillips

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.
Andy Rooney

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.

What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.
Don Marquis

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry

Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.
Bridger Winegar

Read More Funny George Carlin Quotes