1
00:00:03,243 --> 00:00:05,079
Once we clear Keasbey,
2
00:00:05,164 --> 00:00:08,024
it's a straight shot
down the Garden State Parkway
3
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:09,813
until we hit the Pine Barrens.
4
00:00:09,898 --> 00:00:10,960
And let me tell you,
5
00:00:11,045 --> 00:00:14,657
the Pine Barrens is
some forest primeval shit.
6
00:00:14,742 --> 00:00:16,993
Sean has invited us
to his family's cabin
7
00:00:17,078 --> 00:00:18,578
in the New Jersey woodlands.
8
00:00:18,663 --> 00:00:21,313
- The Pine Barrens.
- Which is the same thing.
9
00:00:21,398 --> 00:00:24,218
- For a weekend hunting trip.
- We vampires
10
00:00:24,303 --> 00:00:25,303
do not hunt.
11
00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:27,218
Of course we fucking do.
We hunt humans.
12
00:00:27,297 --> 00:00:28,549
Does that count, though?
13
00:00:28,633 --> 00:00:30,019
Nothing wrong
14
00:00:30,103 --> 00:00:33,125
with a long weekend
away from the ladies.
15
00:00:33,209 --> 00:00:35,029
"We dem boys," am I right?
16
00:00:35,113 --> 00:00:37,567
- Yes.
- Indeed, but remember,
17
00:00:37,651 --> 00:00:39,304
Nandor and I need to be back
18
00:00:39,388 --> 00:00:41,909
no later than 5:00 a. M.
On Sunday.
19
00:00:41,993 --> 00:00:44,081
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have jobs
at the railroad.
20
00:00:44,165 --> 00:00:45,850
You're like
a broken record, Laz.
21
00:00:45,934 --> 00:00:48,189
Yes, we them boys
who work at the railroad.
22
00:00:48,273 --> 00:00:49,791
You know,
23
00:00:49,875 --> 00:00:52,063
that kid looks like the spitting
image of Colin Robinson.
24
00:00:52,147 --> 00:00:53,899
It's like Little Baby Dilbert
over here.
25
00:00:53,983 --> 00:00:56,071
Well, as we mentioned before,
26
00:00:56,155 --> 00:00:58,776
Colin Robinson
is the child's uncle,
27
00:00:58,860 --> 00:01:01,782
so according to genetics,
that story makes perfect sense.
28
00:01:01,866 --> 00:01:03,318
Yeah, whatever. Hey, cornbread,
29
00:01:03,436 --> 00:01:04,955
what you playing back there?
30
00:01:05,039 --> 00:01:06,792
- Oh, no. What the fuck...
- Oh, it's a game called
31
00:01:06,876 --> 00:01:09,831
"Welcome to Bloxburg,"
and it's a game on Roblox
32
00:01:09,915 --> 00:01:12,036
and you can build your own house
33
00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:15,109
or get a job like a pizza maker
or woodcutter
34
00:01:15,193 --> 00:01:16,612
or insurance adjust...
35
00:01:16,696 --> 00:01:18,315
"You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing...
36
00:01:18,399 --> 00:01:20,988
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
37
00:01:21,072 --> 00:01:24,227
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
38
00:01:24,311 --> 00:01:27,167
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
39
00:01:27,251 --> 00:01:29,922
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
40
00:01:30,457 --> 00:01:33,779
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
41
00:01:33,863 --> 00:01:36,251
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
42
00:01:36,335 --> 00:01:38,823
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
43
00:01:38,907 --> 00:01:42,781
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
44
00:01:53,102 --> 00:01:55,056
You look very nice in the bath.
Look at you.
45
00:01:55,140 --> 00:01:56,993
- Thank you, honey.
- With the boys being away
46
00:01:57,077 --> 00:01:59,030
on this hunting trip with Sean,
47
00:01:59,114 --> 00:02:01,702
it is just so...
...nice
48
00:02:01,786 --> 00:02:03,939
to have the house
to myself for a change.
49
00:02:04,023 --> 00:02:06,678
To ourselves. There's two of us.
50
00:02:06,762 --> 00:02:07,998
Oh, yes. Of course.
51
00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:10,920
It's really nice to have
the whole house to myself,
52
00:02:11,004 --> 00:02:12,423
for once.
53
00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:15,229
Since Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja
and Baby Colin are all gone,
54
00:02:15,313 --> 00:02:18,869
I get to choose what I want
to do for a change.
55
00:02:18,953 --> 00:02:21,375
We really needed a break
from Laszlo, Nandor, Gizmo,
56
00:02:21,459 --> 00:02:22,944
and the small weird creature
57
00:02:23,028 --> 00:02:24,948
that clawed its way out of
the abdominal cavity
58
00:02:25,032 --> 00:02:27,453
of our deceased
former friend Colin Robinson.
59
00:02:27,537 --> 00:02:29,324
It's rare that
anyone leaves me alone,
60
00:02:29,408 --> 00:02:32,163
so I'm gonna have my family
over tomorrow night.
61
00:02:32,247 --> 00:02:34,968
I've been putting it off
for, like...
62
00:02:35,052 --> 00:02:36,289
12 years?
63
00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:40,246
This house, it can be
a lot of male energy.
64
00:02:40,330 --> 00:02:41,248
Oh.
65
00:02:41,332 --> 00:02:43,018
I mean, duh.
66
00:02:44,838 --> 00:02:46,325
So while
they're off in the forest,
67
00:02:46,409 --> 00:02:47,995
we will be having
a good, old-fashioned
68
00:02:48,079 --> 00:02:49,297
sloppy girls' night at home.
69
00:02:49,381 --> 00:02:51,768
- Yes.
- And you know,
70
00:02:51,852 --> 00:02:54,174
I think the weekend will be
very good for the boys, too.
71
00:02:54,258 --> 00:02:55,776
Did you want to help
with the bags?
72
00:02:55,860 --> 00:02:57,146
I wasn't planning to, no.
73
00:02:57,230 --> 00:02:59,317
- Okay, thank you.
- Thank you.
74
00:02:59,401 --> 00:03:01,788
Laszlo and Nandor
have been bickering a lot recently.
75
00:03:01,872 --> 00:03:03,994
You know, for the past
one or two or...
76
00:03:04,078 --> 00:03:05,730
actually, about 80 years.
77
00:03:07,451 --> 00:03:09,304
You want to help with the door?
78
00:03:09,388 --> 00:03:10,873
I wasn't planning to, no.
79
00:03:10,957 --> 00:03:12,844
- Okay, thank you.
- Thank you.
80
00:03:12,928 --> 00:03:14,247
It's good
81
00:03:14,331 --> 00:03:16,185
that they're going to have
a chance to reconnect.
82
00:03:16,269 --> 00:03:19,057
Put all the
bags in there, all right?
83
00:03:19,141 --> 00:03:19,925
Eesh.
84
00:03:20,009 --> 00:03:20,927
Now, that up there,
85
00:03:21,011 --> 00:03:23,199
I got that when I was 14.
86
00:03:23,283 --> 00:03:25,069
Took me nine shots,
but I got it.
87
00:03:25,153 --> 00:03:28,326
First time I ever saw
something die.
88
00:03:29,561 --> 00:03:31,299
But it wouldn't be the last.
89
00:03:33,202 --> 00:03:35,389
Well, marksmanship
clearly runs in the family.
90
00:03:35,473 --> 00:03:38,028
That's a very impressive
collection of firearms.
91
00:03:38,112 --> 00:03:40,299
Oh, yeah. Well,
it's mostly my granddad's.
92
00:03:40,383 --> 00:03:42,837
He started collecting them
when he bought the cabin
93
00:03:42,921 --> 00:03:44,976
from this Polish guy
he used to bowl with,
94
00:03:45,060 --> 00:03:46,445
you know, before the cataracts.
95
00:03:46,529 --> 00:03:49,150
It's always sad when a Polish
fellow gets cataracts.
96
00:03:49,234 --> 00:03:51,121
No, I think what Sean is saying
97
00:03:51,205 --> 00:03:52,924
is that his grandfather
got the cataracts,
98
00:03:53,008 --> 00:03:54,761
which is why he could
no longer do bowling
99
00:03:54,845 --> 00:03:55,963
with the Polish fellow.
100
00:03:56,047 --> 00:03:57,200
Actually, the problem was...
101
00:03:57,284 --> 00:03:58,535
No, no, hold on, Sean. No.
102
00:03:58,619 --> 00:04:01,508
The Polish fellow
got the cataracts,
103
00:04:01,592 --> 00:04:03,846
ending his bowling career,
104
00:04:03,930 --> 00:04:05,149
cutting his income,
105
00:04:05,233 --> 00:04:07,520
forcing him to sell
this cabin, clearly.
106
00:04:07,604 --> 00:04:09,124
The problem with Laszlo
107
00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:11,428
is that he cannot admit
that there's something
108
00:04:11,512 --> 00:04:13,032
that even he does not know.
109
00:04:13,116 --> 00:04:15,236
He thinks that he knows
all things.
110
00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:17,440
And if there's one thing
I cannot abide,
111
00:04:17,524 --> 00:04:20,947
it is someone
who's a know-it-all-things.
112
00:04:21,031 --> 00:04:23,852
- Actually...
- If I could just take a moment, Sean,
113
00:04:23,936 --> 00:04:25,923
I know a thing or two
about fellows,
114
00:04:26,007 --> 00:04:27,927
and I would say
it is more than likely
115
00:04:28,011 --> 00:04:29,197
that the Polish fellow
116
00:04:29,281 --> 00:04:32,403
went bowling
with other fellows for fun
117
00:04:32,487 --> 00:04:34,808
and not for his livelihood.
118
00:04:34,892 --> 00:04:36,878
Nandor's problem is
119
00:04:36,962 --> 00:04:40,019
he has a bird-sized brain
in a mammoth-sized body.
120
00:04:40,103 --> 00:04:41,455
Wouldn't you say?
121
00:04:41,539 --> 00:04:44,394
Well, you see, that theory
betrays an ignorance...
122
00:04:44,478 --> 00:04:47,300
- Oh...
- ...for the many Polish fellows that have done very well
123
00:04:47,384 --> 00:04:50,039
vis-à-vis bowling
competition money.
124
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,375
Agree to disagree.
125
00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:53,012
Boy, do your thing.
126
00:04:53,096 --> 00:04:57,186
Hey, Siri, search "Polish
bowlers top cash prize earners."
127
00:04:57,270 --> 00:05:00,559
Okay, I found
this on the web for "bowling Polish
128
00:05:00,643 --> 00:05:01,962
top cash prize earners."
129
00:05:02,046 --> 00:05:03,432
- Check it out.
- Yes?
130
00:05:03,516 --> 00:05:07,907
It's a Wikipedia page
for someone called Daria Pajak.
131
00:05:07,991 --> 00:05:09,277
Read the page.
132
00:05:09,361 --> 00:05:12,050
"Daria Pajak is a professional
bowling player
133
00:05:12,134 --> 00:05:13,585
- from Poland..."
- From Poland.
134
00:05:13,669 --> 00:05:15,423
"...who competes on the
professional women's bowling..."
135
00:05:15,507 --> 00:05:16,993
- That's right, my boy.
- Shut up!
136
00:05:17,077 --> 00:05:18,195
- Hey!
- Very mature.
137
00:05:23,723 --> 00:05:24,941
Right.
138
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:26,178
So, what are we doing?
139
00:05:26,262 --> 00:05:28,449
Time for a little hunting
of our own.
140
00:05:28,533 --> 00:05:30,219
The most dangerous game...
141
00:05:30,303 --> 00:05:31,922
- Hunting humans...
- The hunters become the hunted.
142
00:05:32,006 --> 00:05:34,160
Fucking hell.
Stop interrupting me.
143
00:05:34,244 --> 00:05:36,298
Eesh.
144
00:05:36,382 --> 00:05:38,869
I have recently
been experimenting
145
00:05:38,953 --> 00:05:40,473
with echolocation.
146
00:05:46,068 --> 00:05:47,988
- Hey, Lazzo, guess what?
- What?
147
00:05:48,072 --> 00:05:51,328
I need more Robux to buy
gamer wings for my avatar
148
00:05:51,412 --> 00:05:53,632
- because guess what?
- What?
149
00:05:53,716 --> 00:05:55,269
- I already have the Gamer Cloak.
- Enough.
150
00:05:55,353 --> 00:05:57,173
You're going to scare away
the humans.
151
00:05:57,257 --> 00:06:00,613
Silence is the hunter's
greatest weapon.
152
00:06:00,697 --> 00:06:02,350
And you're shitting all over it.
153
00:06:02,434 --> 00:06:04,402
Uh, can we go?
I'm on eight percent.
154
00:06:09,381 --> 00:06:11,902
You know, you're lucky
to have a guy like Lasz
155
00:06:11,986 --> 00:06:13,372
- taking care of you.
- I guess.
156
00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:17,246
Sometimes I think that Lazzo
doesn't like me so much.
157
00:06:17,330 --> 00:06:19,217
Are you kidding me?
He loves you.
158
00:06:19,301 --> 00:06:21,488
He's always saying,
"I'm not gonna have you grow up
159
00:06:21,572 --> 00:06:24,561
to be a bald-headed,
energy-sucking bore."
160
00:06:24,645 --> 00:06:27,567
Huh, that's why my old man
wouldn't let me watch PBS.
161
00:06:27,651 --> 00:06:29,037
Do you think I'm boring?
162
00:06:29,121 --> 00:06:31,375
What? You got your little
computer pad,
163
00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:33,345
and a... stick.
164
00:06:33,429 --> 00:06:35,516
And a whole bunch of other
neat stuff, right?
165
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,120
What else do you like doing?
166
00:06:37,204 --> 00:06:40,259
Well, I like to go
into the basement in the house
167
00:06:40,343 --> 00:06:44,033
and smash holes
into the wall with a hammer.
168
00:06:44,117 --> 00:06:46,004
Like, really hard.
169
00:06:46,088 --> 00:06:48,041
Just over and over again.
170
00:06:48,125 --> 00:06:50,279
Just smashing and smashing
171
00:06:50,363 --> 00:06:53,152
and smashing,
and I can't help it.
172
00:06:53,236 --> 00:06:54,587
It makes me feel good.
173
00:06:54,671 --> 00:06:57,293
But like, only walls, right?
174
00:06:57,377 --> 00:07:01,034
You don't like, uh... smashing
a person or something?
175
00:07:06,027 --> 00:07:08,449
So our evening
is off to a wonderful start.
176
00:07:08,533 --> 00:07:12,390
♪ There's a girl in the village
With one very small foot. ♪
177
00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:14,461
Mrs. Nandor the
Relentless has joined us,
178
00:07:14,545 --> 00:07:16,631
and she fits right in.
Everybody!
179
00:07:16,715 --> 00:07:19,070
She looks very like a girl
from my village
180
00:07:19,154 --> 00:07:20,406
called Celina,
181
00:07:20,490 --> 00:07:22,343
but she's just wearing
much less pig skin.
182
00:07:22,427 --> 00:07:24,080
You can do it.
183
00:07:24,164 --> 00:07:25,616
Go me. Go me.
184
00:07:25,700 --> 00:07:29,124
Sometimes you just
gotta cool out with your ladies,
185
00:07:29,208 --> 00:07:31,228
have a proper female fuck-about.
186
00:07:31,312 --> 00:07:33,398
Nearly ready. Voilà.
187
00:07:33,482 --> 00:07:35,286
Dang it.
188
00:07:38,392 --> 00:07:41,548
Bienvenidos. Pasen. Gracias.
189
00:07:41,632 --> 00:07:43,085
Adelante.
190
00:07:43,169 --> 00:07:45,055
Thank you for inv...
191
00:07:45,139 --> 00:07:46,458
Oh, no se preocupen
de las cámaras,
192
00:07:46,542 --> 00:07:48,362
este, los contraté
para que grab a ran el...
193
00:07:48,446 --> 00:07:50,099
el cumpleaños de la abuela.
194
00:07:50,183 --> 00:07:52,270
- Feliz cumpleaños.
- Muchacho, ay.
195
00:07:52,354 --> 00:07:54,440
Ay, mi hijo.
Siempre tan consider a do.
196
00:07:54,524 --> 00:07:56,645
Las chamarras, quítensela.
Quítensela. Aquí es su casa.
197
00:07:56,729 --> 00:07:58,749
- Look, he's like the butler.
- I am not the butler.
198
00:07:58,833 --> 00:08:00,719
I told them that you guys are
here making a video montage
199
00:08:00,803 --> 00:08:03,325
for her birthday, so I guess
that's what we're doing now.
200
00:08:03,409 --> 00:08:05,095
It looks like Tarzan lives here.
201
00:08:05,179 --> 00:08:06,331
Oh, it's just eco-friendly.
202
00:08:06,415 --> 00:08:07,633
Is your Versace blouse
eco-friendly?
203
00:08:07,717 --> 00:08:09,370
- It's real Versace.
- You know, they make that
204
00:08:09,454 --> 00:08:11,041
- in menswear too, right?
- Yeah. Ha, ha, ha.
205
00:08:11,125 --> 00:08:12,243
Okay, why don't we go upstairs?
206
00:08:12,327 --> 00:08:13,479
Pasen, pasen, pasen.
207
00:08:13,563 --> 00:08:15,182
Oh, careful, there.
I... It's messy.
208
00:08:15,266 --> 00:08:16,618
There's thorns here,
so be careful.
209
00:08:16,702 --> 00:08:17,820
Hi.
210
00:08:17,904 --> 00:08:19,290
- Más basura.
- Aquí estamos.
211
00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:21,228
Ta-da.
212
00:08:21,312 --> 00:08:23,265
Está lindo, mama, ¿verdad?
213
00:08:23,349 --> 00:08:25,269
Bueno, bienvenidos.
214
00:08:25,353 --> 00:08:28,242
Mira estos platos, qué lujosos.
215
00:08:28,326 --> 00:08:29,711
She's really impressed.
216
00:08:29,795 --> 00:08:32,717
¿Te dieron una promoción
en el Panera o qué?
217
00:08:32,801 --> 00:08:35,122
No, no, no, mamá.
Trabaja en el ferrocarril,
218
00:08:35,206 --> 00:08:36,391
¿recuerdas?
219
00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:37,460
Oh, you're
still at the railroad.
220
00:08:37,544 --> 00:08:38,662
You're working at the railroad?
221
00:08:38,746 --> 00:08:40,132
Yeah, I work at the railroad.
222
00:08:40,216 --> 00:08:41,768
What happened to
the Panera Bread?
223
00:08:41,852 --> 00:08:43,238
Speaking of bread,
do you want some?
224
00:08:43,322 --> 00:08:45,209
- Oh, I got a promotion.
- That's right.
225
00:08:45,293 --> 00:08:46,344
You got a promotion?
226
00:08:46,428 --> 00:08:48,182
- Yeah.
- How does a fool
227
00:08:48,266 --> 00:08:51,488
get a promotion from
a Panera Bread to a railroad?
228
00:08:51,572 --> 00:08:53,225
- How does that happen?
- It was a...
229
00:08:53,309 --> 00:08:55,229
- It was at a train station.
- A train station?
230
00:08:55,313 --> 00:08:56,531
The Panera Bread was
at the train station.
231
00:08:56,615 --> 00:08:58,135
- What train station?
- Penn Station.
232
00:08:58,219 --> 00:08:59,404
Nah, nah, nah. Sabes que, homie.
233
00:08:59,488 --> 00:09:01,274
There ain't no Panera Bread
at Penn Station.
234
00:09:01,358 --> 00:09:02,677
It was a pop-up.
235
00:09:02,761 --> 00:09:04,113
Pop-up shop.
236
00:09:04,197 --> 00:09:05,516
Wow.
237
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,286
Slower, don't pull!
238
00:09:07,370 --> 00:09:09,490
Ooh, ooh! I have an idea.
239
00:09:09,574 --> 00:09:11,494
- What?
- Let's watch Mamma Mia!
240
00:09:11,578 --> 00:09:12,797
Uh, yes.
241
00:09:12,881 --> 00:09:15,169
Mamma Mia
is my favorite, favorite
242
00:09:15,253 --> 00:09:17,340
film to watch when
I am missing my homeland,
243
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:20,579
but Laszlo never
lets me watch it. He says...
244
00:09:20,663 --> 00:09:22,416
"My darling,
I can't watch that.
245
00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:24,120
"It reminds me
of all the bastard children
246
00:09:24,204 --> 00:09:26,675
I fathered when I was a human."
247
00:09:27,577 --> 00:09:29,097
Then the other two guys,
248
00:09:29,181 --> 00:09:31,167
they hear this screech
in the woods.
249
00:09:31,251 --> 00:09:33,372
And they hightail it
out of there,
250
00:09:33,456 --> 00:09:37,397
but they never found
the third guy...
251
00:09:38,265 --> 00:09:39,450
...because you know who got him?
252
00:09:39,534 --> 00:09:41,121
The Jersey Devil.
253
00:09:41,205 --> 00:09:42,223
- The Jersey Devil.
- Uh-huh.
254
00:09:42,307 --> 00:09:43,492
Hey, Mr. Rinaldi,
255
00:09:43,576 --> 00:09:45,229
- guess what?
- What?
256
00:09:45,313 --> 00:09:47,266
I don't believe
the Jersey Devil is even real.
257
00:09:47,350 --> 00:09:48,635
All righty, then.
258
00:09:48,719 --> 00:09:51,541
I guess is not my fault
if he comes and eats you.
259
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:54,347
Okay, well, if he's so real,
then what does he look like?
260
00:09:54,431 --> 00:09:57,153
He's got dragon wings,
261
00:09:57,237 --> 00:09:59,457
and a half-goat horse face
262
00:09:59,541 --> 00:10:02,129
with a chinstrap beard
like an Amish.
263
00:10:02,213 --> 00:10:04,334
And he's got hooves and horns,
264
00:10:04,418 --> 00:10:07,139
and two low-hanging balls
265
00:10:07,223 --> 00:10:09,477
with a button cock on top.
266
00:10:09,561 --> 00:10:11,147
Fantastic.
267
00:10:11,231 --> 00:10:13,785
And he creeps through
the Pine Barrens,
268
00:10:13,869 --> 00:10:18,362
looking for little kids
who don't believe in him.
269
00:10:18,446 --> 00:10:20,866
And he goes, "clomp, clomp,
270
00:10:20,950 --> 00:10:22,236
clomp!"
271
00:10:24,023 --> 00:10:26,311
Uh... Everyone all right?
272
00:10:26,395 --> 00:10:29,250
I got to fix the safety
on that one, huh?
273
00:10:29,334 --> 00:10:30,719
No, the Jersey Devil
is not real.
274
00:10:30,803 --> 00:10:33,425
It is just a myth
that vampires made up
275
00:10:33,509 --> 00:10:36,431
to explain all the dead bodies
that we leave in the woods.
276
00:10:36,515 --> 00:10:39,304
Sean may be my best friend,
but like all humans,
277
00:10:39,388 --> 00:10:41,641
he doesn't realize
when he's been fucking had.
278
00:10:41,725 --> 00:10:43,712
Sean is your best friend?
279
00:10:43,796 --> 00:10:45,233
Yes. Why?
280
00:10:46,033 --> 00:10:47,520
No reason.
281
00:10:47,604 --> 00:10:50,259
Here's to spending
the weekend with you, Sean.
282
00:10:50,343 --> 00:10:51,261
I'll drink to that.
283
00:10:51,345 --> 00:10:52,830
Yes, cheers.
284
00:10:52,914 --> 00:10:55,336
There's just something special
about "guy time," you know?
285
00:10:55,420 --> 00:10:57,424
- Hear, hear.
- Yes.
286
00:11:01,999 --> 00:11:04,287
Sean, time to go beddy bye.
287
00:11:04,371 --> 00:11:05,622
- Whatever.
- Here we go.
288
00:11:05,706 --> 00:11:06,624
I got a deer.
289
00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:07,460
Mind your head.
290
00:11:07,544 --> 00:11:09,497
- Ooh, that hurt.
- What are you doing?
291
00:11:09,581 --> 00:11:11,401
This is seriously
292
00:11:11,485 --> 00:11:13,271
the funnest level
I've ever done on Roblox.
293
00:11:13,355 --> 00:11:14,273
Is it as cool as this?
294
00:11:14,357 --> 00:11:15,476
Careful, Laszlo.
295
00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:16,711
Take it from a soldier:
296
00:11:16,795 --> 00:11:18,548
That thing is a weapon,
not a toy.
297
00:11:18,632 --> 00:11:19,951
The last time you saw battle
298
00:11:20,035 --> 00:11:22,423
it was just swords
and wooden clubs.
299
00:11:22,507 --> 00:11:24,360
I'd hardly call you
an authority.
300
00:11:28,419 --> 00:11:31,307
♪ Oh, when
you're near me, darling ♪
301
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:32,943
♪ Can you hear me ♪
302
00:11:33,027 --> 00:11:34,781
♪ S. O. S. ♪
303
00:11:34,865 --> 00:11:36,986
♪ And the love you gave me... ♪
304
00:11:37,070 --> 00:11:39,791
Ah.
This dynamo needs a top-up.
305
00:11:39,875 --> 00:11:41,361
So, uh, I'm gonna go
and get one. Anyone else?
306
00:11:41,445 --> 00:11:42,697
- No, I'm good.
- Nah.
307
00:11:42,781 --> 00:11:44,367
Do you want me
to pause it or...?
308
00:11:44,451 --> 00:11:45,636
Oh, no, don't worry.
I'll only be a moment.
309
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:47,606
♪ The love you gave me ♪
310
00:11:47,690 --> 00:11:49,444
♪ Nothing else can save me ♪
311
00:11:49,528 --> 00:11:51,581
♪ S. O. S... ♪
312
00:11:59,013 --> 00:12:00,883
Oh. Hello.
313
00:12:06,395 --> 00:12:07,680
- Whose this, Guillermo?
- The maid.
314
00:12:07,764 --> 00:12:08,782
I'm Nadja of Antipaxos.
315
00:12:08,866 --> 00:12:10,386
I'm rich now, so I have...
316
00:12:10,470 --> 00:12:11,788
I have a maid.
317
00:12:11,872 --> 00:12:13,558
¿Es tu novia, no?
318
00:12:13,642 --> 00:12:15,362
Sí, sí, es que...
319
00:12:15,446 --> 00:12:16,631
Girlfriend? Since when?
320
00:12:16,715 --> 00:12:19,437
Yeah. I did say
Nadja was my girlfriend.
321
00:12:19,521 --> 00:12:21,708
The lies just pile up
on top of each other, you know?
322
00:12:21,792 --> 00:12:23,945
Over the years, you just
can't keep track.
323
00:12:24,029 --> 00:12:25,916
Isn't that right, Nadja?
You're both
324
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,539
my girlfriend and...
325
00:12:29,474 --> 00:12:31,294
- ...my maid.
- Wow.
326
00:12:31,378 --> 00:12:32,998
It all started, actually,
when my mom was trying
327
00:12:33,082 --> 00:12:34,867
to set me up with
her church friend's niece
328
00:12:34,951 --> 00:12:36,404
and just to get her off my back,
329
00:12:36,488 --> 00:12:38,826
I said I was dating Nadja.
330
00:12:39,895 --> 00:12:40,913
Please don't tell Laszlo.
331
00:12:40,997 --> 00:12:42,616
Es como Daphne y Niles.
332
00:12:42,700 --> 00:12:44,320
Daphne wasn't the maid.
333
00:12:44,404 --> 00:12:46,558
She was Frasier's dad's
physical therapist.
334
00:12:46,642 --> 00:12:48,462
Right?
335
00:12:48,546 --> 00:12:50,332
Nadja, acompáñanos, ¿sí?
336
00:12:50,416 --> 00:12:52,336
- Join us.
- Uh...
337
00:12:52,420 --> 00:12:53,705
Por favor.
338
00:12:53,789 --> 00:12:55,742
Okay. Lovely.
339
00:12:57,096 --> 00:12:59,817
Guillermo, your
girlfriend was here this whole time,
340
00:12:59,901 --> 00:13:02,022
and you didn't invite her
to eat with your family?
341
00:13:02,106 --> 00:13:05,429
Yes, Guillermo can be a little
bit of a big rotten shit bag.
342
00:13:05,513 --> 00:13:07,466
- ¿Te llamó shit bag?
- Yeah.
343
00:13:07,550 --> 00:13:10,873
One of my many sweet little
cheeky pet names for him.
344
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:12,760
My boyfriend and...
345
00:13:13,963 --> 00:13:16,017
- ...boss.
- Guillermo,
346
00:13:16,101 --> 00:13:18,088
¿me puedes enseñar
dónde está el baño?
347
00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:19,690
Sí, claro, abuelita.
348
00:13:19,774 --> 00:13:21,361
Nadja, hola.
349
00:13:21,445 --> 00:13:22,897
I am his mom.
350
00:13:22,981 --> 00:13:24,784
- Bienvenidos.
- Sí.
351
00:13:26,421 --> 00:13:27,891
Oh, sí, claro.
352
00:13:41,618 --> 00:13:44,407
I mean, I guess
I never thought of it before,
353
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:45,442
but, yeah, it makes sense.
354
00:13:45,526 --> 00:13:46,711
If I have Van Helsing DNA,
355
00:13:46,795 --> 00:13:49,116
then so would my grandma
and the rest of my family.
356
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:50,652
Which makes it
357
00:13:50,736 --> 00:13:52,807
not-a-so good.
358
00:14:04,097 --> 00:14:05,866
Los goosebumps.
359
00:14:14,551 --> 00:14:15,903
I haven't a clue who this
360
00:14:15,987 --> 00:14:17,840
Gena Lee Nolin is, but...
361
00:14:17,924 --> 00:14:19,810
I wouldn't mind that
in my lunch box.
362
00:14:19,894 --> 00:14:22,550
I have a question, Laszlo.
363
00:14:22,634 --> 00:14:24,620
What did you mean
by what you said before?
364
00:14:24,704 --> 00:14:27,092
- What did I say before?
- About the pistol.
365
00:14:27,176 --> 00:14:29,063
You said I was hardly
an authority.
366
00:14:29,147 --> 00:14:30,666
Well, exactly that.
367
00:14:30,750 --> 00:14:33,038
You haven't seen any action
in nigh on a millennium.
368
00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:35,909
Probably more accurate
to call you a former soldier
369
00:14:35,993 --> 00:14:37,646
than a real soldier,
wouldn't you say?
370
00:14:37,730 --> 00:14:41,754
I am and always will be
Nandor the Relentless.
371
00:14:41,838 --> 00:14:43,658
I suppose I should not
expect you to understand
372
00:14:43,742 --> 00:14:45,462
what it means to be a soldier.
373
00:14:45,546 --> 00:14:49,103
Were you not kicked out of your
Rifle Corps, your fancy-pants
374
00:14:49,187 --> 00:14:51,224
college for wealthy lads?
375
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,480
I think you're
referring to Eton,
376
00:14:54,564 --> 00:14:56,451
and I told you that
in confidence.
377
00:14:56,535 --> 00:14:58,555
Surprise, surprise.
378
00:14:58,639 --> 00:15:00,492
The talk suddenly
turns to Laszlo
379
00:15:00,576 --> 00:15:02,196
and he's put
his sticky mag down.
380
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:03,965
I was listening to everything.
381
00:15:04,049 --> 00:15:06,104
It's just the same old,
shrill tune.
382
00:15:06,188 --> 00:15:07,740
Sounds like someone's
383
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,911
a little jealous he's not
the number one guy in the house.
384
00:15:09,995 --> 00:15:12,650
Says the guy who left
the house to "find himself"
385
00:15:12,734 --> 00:15:14,787
and come back
with his tail between his legs.
386
00:15:14,871 --> 00:15:17,126
That was an important step
in my personal journey.
387
00:15:17,210 --> 00:15:18,828
And a good thing I did come back
388
00:15:18,912 --> 00:15:21,034
since the house went to
piss-filled shit on your watch.
389
00:15:21,118 --> 00:15:23,939
You remember to watch your
language in front of my boy.
390
00:15:24,023 --> 00:15:26,044
Piss-filled shit house!
391
00:15:26,128 --> 00:15:27,446
Did you get that?
392
00:15:27,530 --> 00:15:28,882
- Yep.
- I shouldn't be surprised.
393
00:15:28,966 --> 00:15:32,022
All you ever do is lay about
or tinkle on your piano
394
00:15:32,106 --> 00:15:33,625
or have sex with Nadja
395
00:15:33,709 --> 00:15:35,095
wherever and whenever
you please!
396
00:15:35,179 --> 00:15:36,764
How is that an insult?
397
00:15:36,848 --> 00:15:40,072
Sounds to me like life goals
achieved, me old fruit.
398
00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:41,976
You take and
you take and you take.
399
00:15:42,060 --> 00:15:43,878
You took the seat
in the Honda Element
400
00:15:43,962 --> 00:15:46,517
that wasn't behind Sean's seat
in the Honda Element,
401
00:15:46,601 --> 00:15:47,820
even though you know
402
00:15:47,904 --> 00:15:49,624
that Sean likes his seat
in the Honda Element
403
00:15:49,708 --> 00:15:50,792
pushed right far back,
404
00:15:50,876 --> 00:15:52,998
and I have the longer legs!
405
00:15:55,619 --> 00:15:58,775
Did you just
cock your weapon at me?
406
00:15:58,859 --> 00:16:02,750
I took that seat so I would have
a diagonal vantage point
407
00:16:02,834 --> 00:16:05,489
to talk to my friend Sean
fluidly.
408
00:16:05,573 --> 00:16:06,924
I should've known.
409
00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:10,532
All the way back when we first
moved into the mansion
410
00:16:10,616 --> 00:16:12,703
and you had first pick
of the bedchambers,
411
00:16:12,787 --> 00:16:16,110
even though we all agreed
that I would have first pick!
412
00:16:16,194 --> 00:16:17,797
Now you're being absurd.
413
00:16:20,034 --> 00:16:21,204
What the fuck's that?
414
00:16:22,038 --> 00:16:25,162
"Whereas we
three vampires do agree
415
00:16:25,246 --> 00:16:29,570
"upon the following order
for the selection of bedchambers
416
00:16:29,654 --> 00:16:30,839
"on our new home
417
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:33,011
on the rocky shores
of Staten Island."
418
00:16:34,330 --> 00:16:36,818
"First pick,
Nandor the Relentless."
419
00:16:36,902 --> 00:16:40,559
Well, suck on this. "Amendment:
In the absence of all
420
00:16:40,643 --> 00:16:43,164
"household vampires
at the appointed time
421
00:16:43,248 --> 00:16:44,767
"of bedchamber selection,
422
00:16:44,851 --> 00:16:47,940
"a quorum of two-thirds present
423
00:16:48,024 --> 00:16:51,581
may... pro... ceed."
424
00:16:51,665 --> 00:16:52,984
Unbelievable.
425
00:16:53,068 --> 00:16:55,122
You can't even stand to lose
an argument, can you?
426
00:16:55,206 --> 00:16:56,157
You know what you are?
427
00:16:56,241 --> 00:16:59,263
You are what my best friend Sean
428
00:16:59,347 --> 00:17:02,854
might describe
as a proper jabroni.
429
00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:05,175
Shit.
430
00:17:05,259 --> 00:17:06,310
I am not a jabroni.
431
00:17:06,394 --> 00:17:07,981
- You are jabroni!
- Jabroni.
432
00:17:08,065 --> 00:17:08,983
- Jabroni.
- Jabroni.
433
00:17:09,067 --> 00:17:10,886
- Jabroni.
- Jabroni.
434
00:17:10,970 --> 00:17:11,921
Jabroni.
435
00:17:12,005 --> 00:17:13,558
Ahh! Shit!
436
00:17:13,642 --> 00:17:15,595
Shit, you shot me
in the fucking hand.
437
00:17:15,679 --> 00:17:16,864
- Well, you would...
- Ow!
438
00:17:16,948 --> 00:17:18,702
What the hell
is going on in here?
439
00:17:18,786 --> 00:17:19,970
I heard shots.
440
00:17:20,054 --> 00:17:20,972
No, you didn't.
441
00:17:21,056 --> 00:17:22,876
- Where's the kid?
- He was right there.
442
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,015
- Door's open.
- It's... Aw, shit.
443
00:17:25,099 --> 00:17:26,851
Oh, shit.
444
00:17:27,937 --> 00:17:30,792
So you actually enjoy
to eat a bowl of fungus.
445
00:17:30,876 --> 00:17:33,031
- Voluntarily?
- All kinds of fungus.
446
00:17:33,115 --> 00:17:34,967
I'm not a "fun-guy."
447
00:17:35,051 --> 00:17:36,771
At first, I had no interest
448
00:17:36,855 --> 00:17:39,176
in pretending to be whoever
this Daphne person is,
449
00:17:39,260 --> 00:17:42,816
but I am loving Gizmo's family.
450
00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:44,754
You're so lovely and nice,
compared to...
451
00:17:44,838 --> 00:17:48,294
Oh, here he is,
my rotten little shit bag.
452
00:17:48,378 --> 00:17:49,964
Come here.
453
00:17:50,048 --> 00:17:52,603
I cannot believe that
such a group of fresh, dazzling
454
00:17:52,687 --> 00:17:55,175
moonbeams are related
to such a gray dud.
455
00:17:55,259 --> 00:17:58,014
Do all of you have a very bad
visions like Guillermo?
456
00:17:58,098 --> 00:18:00,152
'Cause I have heard
that the broken eyes
457
00:18:00,236 --> 00:18:01,621
can run in the families.
458
00:18:01,705 --> 00:18:03,091
No, no, no. I used to,
but then I got
459
00:18:03,175 --> 00:18:04,660
the laser treatment,
you know, that...
460
00:18:04,744 --> 00:18:05,896
The Lasik.
461
00:18:05,980 --> 00:18:06,798
Lay-kips?
462
00:18:06,882 --> 00:18:08,735
- No. Lasik.
- Lipschitz.
463
00:18:08,819 --> 00:18:09,870
Lasik!
464
00:18:09,954 --> 00:18:11,240
Ay, Dios San to. Cálmate.
465
00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:12,843
- That's what I said.
- Sorry. I'm sorry.
466
00:18:12,927 --> 00:18:14,647
I didn't mean to yell
all like that.
467
00:18:14,731 --> 00:18:16,217
I don't know what came over me.
I just... you know. It's Lasik.
468
00:18:16,301 --> 00:18:18,788
- People know about this shit.
- Uh... So, anyway,
469
00:18:18,872 --> 00:18:20,993
in my family we don't
have the broken eyes,
470
00:18:21,077 --> 00:18:22,796
but all of the men have one arm
471
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,333
quite a bit shorter
than the other arm.
472
00:18:24,417 --> 00:18:26,771
Fuck, is it getting
hot in here? Or is it just me?
473
00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:29,810
Miguel, will you let her
tell her fucking story?
474
00:18:29,894 --> 00:18:31,747
- Oh, oh.
- Má.
475
00:18:31,831 --> 00:18:34,687
Please, go on.
Please, please.
476
00:18:34,771 --> 00:18:35,956
And so where-where was I?
477
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:37,693
So the neighbors
478
00:18:37,777 --> 00:18:38,828
would shout at all the men,
479
00:18:38,912 --> 00:18:40,098
"Make your arms
the same length!"
480
00:18:40,182 --> 00:18:41,434
I'm fucking, like
about to catch on fire
481
00:18:41,518 --> 00:18:42,870
or some shit.
482
00:18:42,954 --> 00:18:44,340
Something's fucking wrong, Memo.
483
00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:47,679
Eres un monstruo
y debes de morir.
484
00:18:47,763 --> 00:18:49,350
What the fuck?!
485
00:18:49,434 --> 00:18:52,122
Demonio maldito chupa sangre,
486
00:18:52,206 --> 00:18:54,226
aléjate de mi nieto.
487
00:18:56,214 --> 00:18:58,151
Abuelita, abuelita.
488
00:19:03,495 --> 00:19:04,847
Fucking hell!
489
00:19:04,931 --> 00:19:06,117
Abuelita, abuelita.
490
00:19:06,201 --> 00:19:07,853
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
491
00:19:09,474 --> 00:19:12,396
Why is there so much fucking
sharp wood in this house?!
492
00:19:15,252 --> 00:19:17,272
Nadja, I really have
to tell you something about my family!
493
00:19:17,356 --> 00:19:19,009
Yes, Guillermo,
I've put it together,
494
00:19:19,093 --> 00:19:20,445
- you bloody moron.
- ¡Mami, no!
495
00:19:22,066 --> 00:19:23,751
Oh, my God, we're here
for a wedding...
496
00:19:23,835 --> 00:19:25,388
I think it's Pierce Brosnan.
497
00:19:25,472 --> 00:19:27,125
He has to be the papa, no?
498
00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:29,129
- Obviously.
- I hope he is,
499
00:19:29,213 --> 00:19:31,868
but I worry
there will be a twist.
500
00:19:31,952 --> 00:19:33,404
How long is this movie?
501
00:19:33,488 --> 00:19:34,773
Nadja!
502
00:19:34,857 --> 00:19:36,310
You come into my house?
503
00:19:36,394 --> 00:19:39,950
Do you have any idea who
the fuck you are messing with?
504
00:19:40,034 --> 00:19:42,473
Never mind.
505
00:19:43,241 --> 00:19:45,061
Don't hurt her!
506
00:19:45,145 --> 00:19:46,430
¡Demonio!
507
00:19:46,514 --> 00:19:48,768
No. No, no.
508
00:19:48,852 --> 00:19:50,238
Stop, stop, stop, stop,
don't hurt her!
509
00:19:50,322 --> 00:19:51,975
No, Mami. No, no, no!
510
00:19:52,059 --> 00:19:54,180
Guillermo, Ella es un monstruo,
peligroso, malvado.
511
00:19:54,264 --> 00:19:56,284
Yes, I know, I know, okay?
I know she's a vampire.
512
00:19:56,368 --> 00:19:58,888
I've always known.
Nadja lives in this house.
513
00:19:58,972 --> 00:20:01,194
Okay? And so do
another group of vampires.
514
00:20:01,278 --> 00:20:03,765
And I don't work at the railroad.
515
00:20:03,849 --> 00:20:05,168
I work for them.
516
00:20:05,252 --> 00:20:06,904
I work for
the vampires who live here
517
00:20:06,988 --> 00:20:09,243
because I hope to become
a vampire myself one day.
518
00:20:09,327 --> 00:20:11,998
And Nadja
is not my girlfriend...
519
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,222
...because I'm gay.
520
00:20:15,306 --> 00:20:17,109
Aw.
521
00:20:18,412 --> 00:20:20,532
- Mijo.
- Wait.
522
00:20:20,616 --> 00:20:21,934
You want to be a vampire?
523
00:20:22,018 --> 00:20:23,104
Hey!
524
00:20:23,188 --> 00:20:25,275
Being a vampire is very cool.
525
00:20:25,359 --> 00:20:27,346
We don't give a shit
about you being gay.
526
00:20:27,430 --> 00:20:28,781
We've known that forever,
I mean...
527
00:20:28,865 --> 00:20:30,085
- Yeah, we knew that.
- Una madre sabe.
528
00:20:30,169 --> 00:20:32,089
- Una madre sabe.
- Really? Everyone knew?
529
00:20:32,173 --> 00:20:33,358
- Come on, Mo.
- ¿Todos?
530
00:20:33,442 --> 00:20:34,793
Familia es familia, homie.
531
00:20:34,877 --> 00:20:36,497
I was so worried because I...
532
00:20:36,581 --> 00:20:39,003
- We love you.
- Oh, mami, gracias.
533
00:20:40,556 --> 00:20:42,342
Oh, gracias.
534
00:20:42,426 --> 00:20:44,413
- No, wait, she's gonna try to kill you.
- Ay!
535
00:20:44,497 --> 00:20:47,119
Come out, Baby Colin Robinson.
536
00:20:47,203 --> 00:20:49,290
- Nandor.
- Oh, Baby Colin Robinson!
537
00:20:49,374 --> 00:20:52,262
Nandor, look, I-I didn't mean
to hurt you. I...
538
00:20:52,346 --> 00:20:54,500
You shot me.
539
00:20:54,584 --> 00:20:55,969
See?
540
00:20:56,053 --> 00:20:57,572
No, I shot at you, it's true.
541
00:20:57,656 --> 00:21:00,812
But you've been a fucking pill
this whole trip,
542
00:21:00,896 --> 00:21:01,948
and for no good reason.
543
00:21:02,032 --> 00:21:04,219
Maybe I did have a reason,
544
00:21:04,303 --> 00:21:05,355
which was...
545
00:21:05,439 --> 00:21:07,492
I was a little upset
546
00:21:07,576 --> 00:21:10,532
thinking about "guy time,"
547
00:21:10,616 --> 00:21:12,836
how we don't have it so much,
you and I.
548
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,440
We used to.
Now you're always
549
00:21:14,524 --> 00:21:16,110
clinking beers with Sean
550
00:21:16,194 --> 00:21:20,251
or rehearsing songs
with the Baby Colin Robinson.
551
00:21:20,335 --> 00:21:21,989
We never hang anymore.
552
00:21:22,073 --> 00:21:23,291
Bro, I'm not very comfortable
553
00:21:23,375 --> 00:21:25,528
with emotional flamboyance,
as well you know.
554
00:21:25,612 --> 00:21:27,132
I'll be brief.
555
00:21:27,216 --> 00:21:29,436
My feelings aren't
too dissimilar to your own.
556
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:30,872
I've missed us.
557
00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:33,111
All right.
558
00:21:33,195 --> 00:21:33,979
Baby Colin!
559
00:21:34,063 --> 00:21:36,134
- Boy!
- Baby.
560
00:21:36,935 --> 00:21:38,388
Hey, guys.
561
00:21:38,472 --> 00:21:40,525
What have I told you about
running off, you little prick?
562
00:21:40,609 --> 00:21:42,129
I heard something weird outside,
563
00:21:42,213 --> 00:21:43,598
but you were too busy fighting
about jabronis and...
564
00:21:43,682 --> 00:21:46,003
- Help!
- Sean?
565
00:21:46,087 --> 00:21:47,406
- Shit.
- Quickly.
566
00:21:47,490 --> 00:21:49,043
Oh, boy.
567
00:21:49,127 --> 00:21:51,013
- Over there.
- Jeepers.
568
00:21:51,097 --> 00:21:53,051
- The fuck is that shit?
- Kill me!
569
00:21:53,135 --> 00:21:54,586
The Jersey Devil, fucking hell.
570
00:21:54,670 --> 00:21:57,292
He's real?
Look at the size of his balls.
571
00:21:57,376 --> 00:21:59,163
Where's my magic flute?
572
00:21:59,247 --> 00:22:01,567
I hid it in the car
'cause it was annoying me.
573
00:22:01,651 --> 00:22:05,175
Kill me and get it over with!
574
00:22:05,259 --> 00:22:07,612
Shoo. Go away.
575
00:22:13,375 --> 00:22:15,328
Yes, it's working.
576
00:22:16,514 --> 00:22:18,218
He's falling under your spell.
577
00:22:20,556 --> 00:22:21,975
Yes.
578
00:22:22,059 --> 00:22:23,911
Whoa-whoa-whoa, whoa.
579
00:22:23,995 --> 00:22:25,115
Oh, shit.
580
00:22:25,199 --> 00:22:26,317
- I'm gonna get my shotty.
- Nandor...
581
00:22:26,401 --> 00:22:28,321
I've been double crossed
by the devil.
582
00:22:28,405 --> 00:22:30,458
Hey, fuckhead, that's
my friend you've got there,
583
00:22:30,542 --> 00:22:31,460
you let him go!
584
00:22:31,544 --> 00:22:33,364
Hey!
585
00:22:33,448 --> 00:22:34,500
- Lights out!
- Aah!
586
00:22:34,584 --> 00:22:36,070
- Kick him in the dick.
- Oh, yes.
587
00:22:36,154 --> 00:22:37,973
- He's on me!
- He's not going down.
588
00:22:38,057 --> 00:22:40,178
Oh, shit.
589
00:22:41,464 --> 00:22:44,119
Hey, Siri,
play some New Jersey music.
590
00:22:46,006 --> 00:22:47,192
Get your hands off my ass.
591
00:22:47,276 --> 00:22:48,928
This isn't
what I want to be doing.
592
00:22:49,012 --> 00:22:50,265
Grab his balls, man.
593
00:22:50,349 --> 00:22:52,936
- I've got them, I've got them!
- No, that's me.
594
00:22:55,692 --> 00:22:57,512
Fucking hell.
595
00:22:57,596 --> 00:23:01,287
♪ Tommy used to work
on the docks ♪
596
00:23:01,371 --> 00:23:03,257
♪ Union's been on strike ♪
597
00:23:03,341 --> 00:23:05,095
Hold on, I'll skip
to the good part.
598
00:23:05,179 --> 00:23:07,632
♪ We're halfway there ♪
599
00:23:07,716 --> 00:23:09,236
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
600
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,107
- ♪ Livin' on a prayer ♪
- Yeah.
601
00:23:11,191 --> 00:23:13,211
- ♪ Take my hand... ♪
- Get him, Lazzo.
602
00:23:13,295 --> 00:23:15,081
- ♪ We'll make it, I swear ♪
- Human form!
603
00:23:15,165 --> 00:23:17,085
♪ Whoa-oh... ♪
604
00:23:17,169 --> 00:23:19,623
Kill him, get his button cock.
605
00:23:19,707 --> 00:23:21,127
It's working, I'm draining him.
606
00:23:21,211 --> 00:23:23,631
I'm draining him, too.
607
00:23:23,715 --> 00:23:25,402
Hey, I found the rifle!
608
00:23:26,788 --> 00:23:28,374
Fucking Jersey.
609
00:23:28,458 --> 00:23:30,011
Okay, can we go home now?
610
00:23:30,095 --> 00:23:32,984
Prepare to die, you vile
611
00:23:33,068 --> 00:23:34,286
- vampire...
- No, Nadja, no, don't, please.
612
00:23:34,370 --> 00:23:36,056
Okay? I didn't know you
were even here,
613
00:23:36,140 --> 00:23:37,659
- and I tried to warn you...
- Shut up, Guillermo.
614
00:23:37,743 --> 00:23:38,728
I am about to drink
615
00:23:38,812 --> 00:23:40,665
the blood of your entire family
616
00:23:40,749 --> 00:23:42,135
of vampire-killing evil verm...
617
00:23:42,219 --> 00:23:43,438
No, no, stop, okay? Please.
618
00:23:43,522 --> 00:23:45,141
I'm begging you.
Just hypnotize them, okay?
619
00:23:45,225 --> 00:23:46,277
Hypnotize them
so they forget everything.
620
00:23:46,361 --> 00:23:48,014
Like it or not,
they're my family.
621
00:23:48,098 --> 00:23:50,151
Just... just like
you're my family, Nadja.
622
00:23:50,235 --> 00:23:53,124
I so rarely care
what Guillermo thinks
623
00:23:53,208 --> 00:23:54,259
or feels or says or does,
624
00:23:54,343 --> 00:23:55,662
but I know what it is like
625
00:23:55,746 --> 00:23:58,067
to watch your entire family
die in front of you.
626
00:23:58,151 --> 00:23:59,536
And it's not great.
627
00:23:59,620 --> 00:24:02,542
I watched my Uncle Andreas get
crushed to death by a donkey,
628
00:24:02,626 --> 00:24:04,079
and the donkey was his wife.
629
00:24:04,163 --> 00:24:06,283
And then she, the donkey,
died of alcoholism.
630
00:24:06,367 --> 00:24:09,423
And now I have had no real
family for hundreds of years.
631
00:24:09,507 --> 00:24:11,460
Also, if Guillermo
doesn't have a family,
632
00:24:11,544 --> 00:24:13,431
is he going to start
calling me "mami"?
633
00:24:13,515 --> 00:24:15,435
Bad enough his relationship
with Nandor, so, no, thank you.
634
00:24:16,521 --> 00:24:17,439
Okay, fine!
635
00:24:17,523 --> 00:24:19,209
- But on one condition.
- Anything.
636
00:24:19,293 --> 00:24:21,447
Keep Nandor, Laszlo,
and the small Colin creature
637
00:24:21,531 --> 00:24:23,618
away from the house
at least one night a month
638
00:24:23,702 --> 00:24:25,288
so I can have it to myself.
639
00:24:25,372 --> 00:24:25,922
And...
640
00:24:26,006 --> 00:24:28,494
obtain for me a copy of...
641
00:24:28,578 --> 00:24:32,569
Here We Go Again.
642
00:24:32,653 --> 00:24:35,041
I'm just super glad
that everything worked out.
643
00:24:35,125 --> 00:24:36,410
And that my family is safe.
644
00:24:36,494 --> 00:24:39,449
And that they were hypnotized
and now the house will be safe.
645
00:24:39,533 --> 00:24:41,353
Most importantly,
I'm just glad that
646
00:24:41,437 --> 00:24:43,591
they finally know
the truth about me.
647
00:24:43,675 --> 00:24:45,728
Well, besides the bit about you
working at the railroad.
648
00:24:45,812 --> 00:24:46,730
Okay, yeah.
649
00:24:46,814 --> 00:24:48,134
And the giant bit
650
00:24:48,218 --> 00:24:49,736
about you being desperate
to be a vampire.
651
00:24:49,820 --> 00:24:51,340
Okay, yeah, but Nadja made sure
652
00:24:51,424 --> 00:24:53,478
that they remember
the part about me...
653
00:24:53,562 --> 00:24:56,183
telling them that I'm gay, so...
654
00:24:56,267 --> 00:24:57,252
I mean,
655
00:24:57,336 --> 00:24:58,488
who isn't gay?
656
00:24:58,572 --> 00:24:59,590
A lot of people.
657
00:24:59,674 --> 00:25:00,792
Oh, okay.
658
00:25:00,876 --> 00:25:02,629
I'll get the trumpets out.
Sorry.
659
00:25:02,713 --> 00:25:05,068
Shade.
660
00:25:05,152 --> 00:25:08,207
After we vanquished
the Jersey Devil, we drove home
661
00:25:08,291 --> 00:25:10,478
- before sunrise.
- No, I drove.
662
00:25:10,562 --> 00:25:12,482
We hypnotized Sean, but
I'm worried that we fucked him.
663
00:25:12,566 --> 00:25:14,486
- Oh, you can make a pizza tree?
- Uh-huh.
664
00:25:14,570 --> 00:25:17,359
I just made ten Robux.
What's the street value to that?
665
00:25:17,443 --> 00:25:19,509
But we did
manage to bring home a little
666
00:25:19,594 --> 00:25:21,517
souvenir from our weekend.
667
00:25:23,203 --> 00:25:25,007
What the fuck is that?
668
00:25:26,693 --> 00:25:30,417
"Devil's Gotta Dance"
by Bryan Paul Bell playing...
669
00:25:30,502 --> 00:25:32,622
♪ The devil's got to dance ♪
670
00:25:32,706 --> 00:25:35,094
♪ The devil's got
to dance ♪
671
00:25:35,178 --> 00:25:39,102
♪ The devil's got to dance,
the devil's got to dance ♪
672
00:25:39,186 --> 00:25:43,411
♪ Just let the preacher know
I did due diligence ♪
673
00:25:43,495 --> 00:25:45,815
♪ But the saints
don't stand a chance ♪
674
00:25:45,899 --> 00:25:49,440
♪ If the devil's got to dance ♪
675
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:57,456
♪ The devil's got to dance,
the devil's got to dance ♪
676
00:26:01,331 --> 00:26:05,672
♪ The devil's got to dance,
the devil's got to dance. ♪
677
00:26:11,751 --> 00:26:19,751
Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org