“Hey, hey, hey. Time for a few fart jokes. Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes? Question. Did ya ever have to fart on a bus or an airplane, or in some public place, but you hadn’t been farting all that day so you didn’t really know the nature of the beast. You only knew there was LOTS of it.

In a situation like that, what you have to do is to release a test fart. You have to arrange to release, quietly and in a carefully controlled manner, about 10-15% of the total fart, in order to determine if those around you can handle it. Or, if in fact, you may be about to precipitate a public health emergency. When releasing a test fart, it is often good to engage in an act of subterfuge, such as reaching for a magazine. “Say, is that golf digest?”

That doesn’t smell too horrifying. In fact, in an odd way, it’s rather pleasant. I think they oughta enjoy the rest of this baby. And it turns out to be one of those farts that’ll strip the varnish off a footlocker. A fart that could end a marriage. And everyone around you heads for the exits… even the people on the airplane, as you realize it’s time to review your fiber intake. It might not be necessary after all each morning to eat an entire wicker swingset.”