George Carlin On Bullshit Advertising

Now a lot of these company names and product names are influenced by marketing and advertising people and this next thing is about advertising. By the way, if you should have any cognitive dissonance about the fact that I do commercials for 10-10-220 and still attack advertising up here, well, you’re just gonna have to figure that shit out on your own okay?
Now, this is called “Advertising Lullaby”, keeping in mind of course that the whole purpose of advertising is to lull you to sleep. Quality, value, styles, service, selection, convenience, economy savings, performance, experience, hospitality, low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms, affordable prices, money-back guarantee, free installation.Free admission, free appraisal, free alterations, free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking.
No cash? No problem. No kidding, no fuss, no muss, no risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment, no entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary, no one will call on you, no payments of interest till September.Limited time only though so act now, order today, send no money, offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately, batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, allow 6 weeks for delivery, some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply some on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation with our friendly professional staff.
Our experienced and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that’s just right for you and just right for your budget and say, don’t forget to pick up your free gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet pocket pencil sharpener… yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it’s our way of saying “thank you”.And if you act now, we’ll include an extra added, free, complementary, bonus gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine, imitation, leather-style, carrying case with authentic vinyl trim… yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it’s our way of saying “thank you”.Actually, it’s our way of saying “bend over just a little bit farther so we can stick this big advertising dick up your ass a little bit deeper! Pbbt! You miserable, no-good, fucking consumer asshole!”
Cause you do know folks, living in this country, you’re bound to know that every time you’re exposed to advertising, you realize once again, that America’s leading industry, America’s most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit… high quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit, and the sad part is is that most people seem to been indoctrinated to believe that bullshit only comes from certain places, certain sources; advertising, politics, salesmen… not true, bullshit is everywhere, bullshit is rampant, parents are full of shit, teachers are full of shit, clergymen are full of shit, and law enforcement people are full of shit. This entire country, this entire country is completely full of shit and always has been from the Declaration of Independence to the Constitution of the Star-Spangled Banner, it’s still nothing more than one big, steaming pile of red, white and blue, all-American bullshit because of think of how we started… think of that. This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us “all men are created equal”. Oh yeah… all men, except for Indians and Niggers and women right?
I always like to use that authentic American language. This was a small group of an unelected white male, land-holding, slave owners who also suggested their class be the only one allowed to vote. Now that is what’s known as being stunningly and embarrassingly full of shit. And I think Americans really show their ignorance when they say they want their politicians to be honest. What are these fucking cretins talking about? If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse! No one would know what to do! Honesty would fuck this country up! And I think deep down, Americans know that. That’s why the elected and re-elected Bill Clinton!
Because of the American people like their bullshit right out front where they can get a good strong whiff of it! Clinton might be full of shit but at least he lets you know it. Dolle tried to hide it didn’t he? Dolle kept saying “I’m a plain and honest man!” Bullshit! People don’t believe that! What did Clinton say? He said “Hi folks! I’m completely full of shit and how do you like that?” and the people said “You know something? At least he’s honest.” At least he’s honest about being completely full of shit. This is just like the business world, same as a business; everybody knows by now, all businessmen are completely full of shit; just the worst kind of low-life, criminal, cocksuckers, you could ever want to run into… a fucking piece of a shit businessman.
And the proof of it is they don’t even trust each other! They don’t trust one another! When a businessman sits down and negotiates a deal, the first thing he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete lying prick who’s trying to fuck him out of his money! So he’s gotta do everything he can to fuck the other guy a little bit faster and a little bit harder… and he’s gotta do it with a big smile on his face. Do you know that big, bullshit, businessman smile? And if you’re a customer, whoa… that’s when you get the really big smile! Customers always get a really big smile as the businessman carefully positions himself directly behind the customer and unzips his pants and proceeds to service the account! “I’m servicing this account… this customer needs service.” Now you know what they mean when they say “we specialize in customer service”. Whoever coined the phrase “let the buyer beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole. That’s business.
But in the bullshit department, in the bullshit department, a businessman can’t hold a candle to a clergyman… cause I gotta tell you the truth folks, I gotta tell you the truth. When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe, in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims… religion.
No contest! No contest! Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it… religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day, and the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do! And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of time… but he loves you. He loves you and he NEEDS MONEY! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow, just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story… holy shit!

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