Written by 11:30 Standup Comedy Scripts

George Carlin On If There’s A GOD

George Carlin is a Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor, and author. Being considered as one of the top comedians of all time, You Are All Diseased.

So if, if there is a God, if there is, I think most reasonable people might agree that he’s at least incompetent and maybe, just maybe doesn’t give a shit. Doesn’t give a shit… which I admire in a person and which will explain a lot of these bad results. So rather than be just another mindless religious robot mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky, incompetent father figure who doesn’t give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship, something I can really count on, and immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that <snap>, overnight, I became a sun-worshipper… well, not overnight, you can’t see the sun at night, the first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper.
Several reasons… first of all, I can see the sun okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I’m big on that, if I can see something, I don’t know, kind of helps the credibility along you know? So every day, I can see the sun as it gives me everything I need… heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake… and occasional skin cancer but hey, at least there are no crucifixions and we’re not setting people on fire simply because they don’t agree with us.
Sun worship is fairly simple. There’s no mysteries, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don’t have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I’m unworthy, doesn’t tell me I’m a bad person who needs to be saved, hasn’t said an unkind word, treats me fine.
So I worship the sun but… I don’t pray to the sun. You know why? I wouldn’t presume on our friendship; it’s not polite. I often thought people treat God rather rudely, don’t you? Asking- trillions and trillions of prayers every day, asking and pleading and begging for favors, do this, give me that, I need a new car, want a better job, and most of this praying takes place on Sunday… his day off. It’s not nice, and it’s no way to treat a friend.
But people do pray and they pray for a lot of different things… you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall, but most of all, you’d really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store… you know, the one with the eye patch and the clubbed foot? Huh? Can you pray for that? I think you’d have to. And I say fine, pray for anything you want, pray for anything but what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan… a long time ago, God made a divine plan, gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice, and for billions and billions of years, the divine plan has been doing just fine, now you come along and pray for something.
Well suppose the thing you want isn’t in God’s divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn’t that seem a little arrogant? It’s a divine plan! What’s the use of being God if every run-down schmuck with a $2 prayer book can come along and fuck up your plan? And here’s something else, another problem you might have… suppose your prayers aren’t answered, what do you say? “Well it’s God’s will, thy will be done.” Fine, but if it’s God’s will and he’s gonna do what he wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? It seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn’t you just skip the praying part and go right to his will? It’s all very confusing.
So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun but, as I said, I don’t pray to the sun. Do you know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci. Two reasons… first of all, I think he’s a good actor okay? To me, that counts. Second… he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn’t fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. For years, I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog…
Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit! It’s amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat! So I’ve been praying to Joe for about a year now, and I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers that I used to offer to God and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time, I get what I want, half the time, I don’t, same as God, 50-50, same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well, and the rabbit’s foot, same as the mojo man, same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat’s testicles, it’s all the same, 50-50, so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself. And for those of you who look to the Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you.
You might wanna look at “The Three Little Pigs”, that’s a good one, has a nice happy ending, I’m sure you’ll like that. Then there’s “Little Red Riding Hood”, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big, Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother, which I didn’t care for by the way. And finally, I’ve often always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from “Humpty Dumpty”. The part I like the best, “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men, couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again”. That’s because there is no Humpty Dumpty and there is no God, none, not one, no God, never was. In fact, I’m gonna put it this way… if there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened! Nothing happened! Everybody’s okay! All right? Tell you what… I’ll raise the stakes. I’ll raise the stakes a little bit.
If there is a God, may he strike me dead! See? Nothing happened- oh, wait… got a little cramp in my leg… and my balls hurt… plus, I’m blind… I’m bli- oh, now I’m okay again… must’ve been Joe Pesci huh? God bless Joe Pesci! Thank you all very much! Joe blesses you! Thank you all very much! I appreciate it! Bye Bye!