Written by 11:21 Standup Comedy Scripts

George Carlin On What’s On Television Tonight

George Carlin is a Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor, and author. Being considered as one of the top comedians of all time, You Are All Diseased.

I want you to know what’s on television tonight on the other channels, always like people to know what it is they’re missing by listening to my shit. First of all, on the Playboy channel, on the Playboy channel, yeah, tonight, they have one of those new reality shows where the people at home send in their own tapes; it’s called “Home Videos of Bad Fucking”. And speaking of that delightful activity, I guess you know last week, Ricky Lake had a special program, “Women Who Fake Orgasms”, so tonight, not to be outdone, Jerry Springer has a nighttime special, “Men Who Fake Bowel Movements”.
Yeah, I think they’re running out of topics on those shows too. Sally Jesse’s next show is “Rapists Who Force Their Victims to Play ‘Yatzee’ Beforehand”. Getting a little strange on daytime TV. Then, later on tonight on the Nostalgia channel, they’re gonna play back to back two of my favorite episodes of “Little House on the Prairie”, first of all, the 1975 Christmas show “A Douchebag for Clara”. Wasn’t that good?
Aw… and it was sad toward the end when she cried cause she stuck it in the wrong hole! But as they say in the U.S. Navy, “there is no wrong hole”. And then, right after that, they’re gonna play my favorite “Little House on the Prairie” of all time, “Missy Takes a Big Dump in the Woods”. And that was interesting, I thought, cause she had on the high heels and the long dress, and it was fun to watch how she had to maneuver through the poison sumac, and they didn’t have toilet paper in those days, she had to use a series of pinecones, and she was pulling them in the wrong direction!
Yes, I understand toward the end of the show, they had to bleep out a lot of screaming and foul language. And then hey, hey, later on, tonight on the Pay-Per-View, on Pay-Per-View, Willie Nelson, Willie Nelson’s concert is on and TV guide-listed all the songs he’s gonna sing; he’s gonna start out with one of my favorites, “Too Drunk to Jerk Off”. Isn’t that a good one? God, I love that song! Then he’s gonna do a series of love songs, “Kiss Me, I’m Coming”. Aw, that’s a good one. “Kiss me, I’m coming. Oh no, I’m humming, mmmmmm” Well I can’t help it, I am a romantic and I do enjoy the sentimental tunes. Here’s a sad song “I Should’ve Fucked Oh ‘Whatshername’”. Remember that? “I should’ve never played the game, I should’ve fucked oh ‘whatshername’”.
Here’s one my mother used to sing around the house, “Your Love Ran Down My Leg and Now, You’re Gone”. Yeah, that one always got to me. I’m glad you feel the same way. Here’s a fine love song, “You Blew My Mind, Now Blow Me”. He’s even gonna do a Stevie Wonder song, “I Just Called To Say I Tested ‘Positive’”. Well, you don’t wanna leave anybody out, you know what I mean?
And hey, and hey, what would a Willie Nelson show be without a couple of cowboy songs? He’s gonna do that one George Jones and Weyland Jennings wrote, “Drinking Beer, Taking a Shit, and Passing Out”, then he’s gonna do kind of a traditional western song, one that Gene Autry used to sing when I was a little boy, “It’s Midnight in Montana and I Can’t Get My Dick Outta This Cow”. Do you know why I like that song so much? Cause it’s a real cowboy song. And by the way, speaking of cattle-fucking, do you know why it is when a rancher fucks a sheep, he does so at the edge of a cliff? It’s so the sheep will push back; just a little tip for you outdoorsmen when you’re out camping.