Marriage is a voyage brimming with happiness, obstacles, and plenty of moments that bring laughter. Whether you’re newly married, a long-time spouse, or simply enjoy a good chuckle, this assortment of clever funny marriage quotes from movies, TV shows, books, and authors is sure to brighten your day.
Funny Movie and TV Quotes about Marriage
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard (1738)
“If they only married when they fell in love, most people would die unwed.” Robert Louis Stevenson, Virginibus Puerisque and Other Papers (1881)
“25 years of marriage and no porn, I’d put a bullet in my head.” Ted, Ted, S1.Ep1: Just Say Yes
“If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.” Anton Chekhov, Note-book of Anton Chekhov (B.W. Huebsch, ed. 1921), Page 84
“Did I make a horrible mistake and marry someone who’s smarter than I am?” Olivia ‘Liv’ Lerner, Bride Wars (2009)
“The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.” Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray (1890)
“What’s the point of being married if you can’t fart around your wife?” D’Arcy Bloom, Resident Alien S2.Ep6: An Alien in New York
“Marriage is buying a house for someone you hate.” Jackson Healy, The Nice Guys (2016)
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” Zsa Zsa Gabor, In Newsweek (March 28, 1960)
“Marriage, like money, is still with us; and, like money, progressively devalued.” Robert Graves, Mammon and the Black Goddess (1965), Page 108
“You can’t live off your parents your whole life. I know that. That’s why I was getting married.” Monica Geller, Friends, S1.Ep1: The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate
“A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.” Terry Pratchett, The Fifth Elephant (1999)
“Marriage can’t work when one person is happy and the other person is miserable. Marriage is both people being equally miserable.” Andy, Forget Paris (1995)
“I began as a passion and have ended as a habit, like all husbands.” George Bernard Shaw, The Simpleton of the Unexpected Isles (1935)
“The only way to avoid a broken marriage is don’t turn up for the wedding.” Roy Slater, Only Fools and Horses, S7.Ep4: The Class of ’62
“Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.” Mark Twain, Letter to Will Bowen (November 4, 1888)
“A man never realizes what happiness really is until he gets married. And then it’s too late.” Joe E. Lewis, The Joker Is Wild (1957)
“Nothing is more difficult than the choice of a good husband, unless it is perhaps the choice of a good wife.” Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, or On Education (1762)
“Marriage is a legal and religious alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.” Ogden Nash, I Do, I Will, I Have (The Saturday Evening Post, May 8, 1948)
“The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.” Voltaire, La Femme Qui a Raison (1759), Act II, Scene II
“You don’t take my calls, you won’t call me back. What are we, married?” Susie Myerson, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, S5.Ep5: The Pirate Queen
“We were perfectly happy before we decided to live happily ever after.” Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City: The Movie (2008)
“Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.” William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night (1623)
“Xu Wenwu: For some, red is actually the color of good fortune. Brides even wear it on their wedding day. Hela: Wedding day? I didn’t realize you meant to make my imprisonment a life sentence.” Hela, What If…?, S2.Ep7: What If… Hela Found the Ten Rings?
“All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies are ended by a marriage.” Lord Byron, Don Juan (1824)
These quotes offer humorous, insightful, and sometimes cynical perspectives on the institution of marriage from various authors and sources.
