A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches cracks his knuckles and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches cracks his knuckles and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
“No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.
“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!”
“Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.
“The frog was really nothing special.
You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me, I am celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.
“What a coincidence!” said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”
“What a coincidence!” said the man.
“I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I used a different ****,” he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.”
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. “I promise!”
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight.
He didn’t seem disturbed at all.
(Whew! Got away with that one!).
Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”
When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, “Oh, crap,” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.”

A:I have the perfect son.
Q:Does he smoke?
A:No, he doesn’t.
Q:Does he drink whiskey?
A:No, he doesn’t.
Q:Does he ever come home late?
A:No, he doesn’t.
Q:I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A:He will be six months old next Wednesday.

A man was in a bar one evening, when a drunk wandered over, shouting at the man “I pulled your mum just now!” the sober man just ignored him and carried on drinking.
About half an hour later the drunk wandered over again.
This time he said: “Your mum just gave me a BJ and swallowed” again the man ignored and carried on talking to his mates.
Soon the very drunk man wandered over and shouted at the poor man: “I just fucked your mum, using every posistion possible.”
Eventally the man bored of this idiot, turned around and said “Go home dad, you’re drunk.”

A man comes home late one night, drunk.
“Where have you been?” asks his wife.
“In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!”
This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
“Do you have golden chairs?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have golden glasses?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have golden beer?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have a golden urinal?”
“Hold on.”
On the other end, she hears “I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone.”

This guy’s at a bar, and it’s really late.
He’s been drinking hard all night and is so tanked he falls backward right off the barstool onto the floor.
He slowly climbs back up, takes another swig and slides right back onto the floor.
Finally, this other guy is sympathetic and offers to drive the guy home.
On the way out to the car, the drunk falls over a few times and crawls the rest of the way to the car.
When they get to his house, he can’t even walk and falls five times on the way to his own front door.
The good samaritan helps him the rest of the way and rings the doorbell.
The drunk’s wife opens the door.
He says, “Sorry to wake you, ma’am. Your husband’s had a few too many, so I drove him home for you.”
The wife gratefully responds, “Thank you, sir, that’s very kind of you.”
“Where’s his wheelchair?”

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole.
He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open.
And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in.
Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state.
But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior.
The friend listened and suggested, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways.”
The wife thought this might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner.
And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door.
She quickly opened it and let Harry in.
Instead of beating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room.
She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off.
Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.
After a short while, she whispered to Harry, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”
Harry replied in his inebriated state, “Heck, I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ ….and she’s always sound asleep.”

There were three guys a sex addict a weed addict and an alcoholic they all went to hell for their sin and was standing in front of the devil.
The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room with whatever you did for a 1000 years and if you get over any of your sins I will send you back to the land of the living, Earth.
So the sex addict got locked in a room full of virgins, the alcohol addict got locked in a room full of beer, the weed addict locked in a room full of weed.
1000 years later the Devil goes to the sex addict he comes out saying “Aww my dick hurts I’m never having sex again”, poof back to earth.
Open the alcoholic room and he says “I’m never having a beer”, and gets sent back to Earth.
Then the Devil opens the weed addicts room and the Weed addict punches the Devil in the face and says “you forgot my lighter bitch!”

If we miss any funny alcohol jokes, Comment below.

Source – Ceyloned