Written by 10:35 Standup Comedy Scripts

George Carlin On “Capital Punishment” – Full Script

George Carlin is a Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor, and author. Being considered as one of the top comedians of all time, Again 1999.

The same way we made up the death penalty. We made them both up, Sanctity of life and the death penalty. Aren’t we versatile? And you know, in this country, now there are a lot of people who want to expand the death penalty to include drug dealers. This is really stupid. Drug dealers aren’t afraid to die. They’re already killing each other every day on the streets by the hundreds. Drive-bys, gang shootings, they’re not afraid to die. The death penalty doesn’t mean anything unless you use it on people who are afraid to die. Like… the bankers who launder the drug money. The bankers, who launder, the drug money.
Forget the dealers, you want to slow down that drug traffic, you got to start executing a few of these fucking bankers. White, middle-class Republican bankers. And I’m not talking about soft, American executions, like lethal injection. I’m talking about fucking crucifixion folks! Let’s bring back crucifixions. A form of capital punishment the Christians and Jews of America can really appreciate. And I’d go a little further, I’d crucify people upside-down. Like Saint Peter, feet up, head down. And naked. I’d have naked upside-down crucifixions on TV once a week at halftime on the Monday Night Football game! Halftime! Monday Night! The Monday Night Crucifixions! You’d have people tuning in, don’t even care about Football! Wouldn’t you like to hear Dan Dierdorf explain why the nails have to go in at a certain angle? And I’ll guarantee you one thing. You start executing- you start nailing one white banker per week to a big wooden cross, you’re going to see that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty fucking quick. Pretty fucking quick- you won’t even be able to buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore! Now, I don’t care about capital punishment one way or another ‘cuz I know it doesn’t do anything. It doesn’t do anything, ‘cept maybe satisfy a kind of Biblical need for revenge. You know, if you read the Bible, you see that it’s full of retribution and revenge. So really, capital punishment is kind of a religious ritual.
It’s a purification right. It’s a modern sacrament. And as long as that’s true, I say, let’s liven it up a little! I honestly believe that if you make the death penalty a little more entertaining and learn to market it correctly, you just might be able to raise enough money to balance the stupid fucking budget!! Balance the stupid fucking budget!! And don’t forget, the polls show the American people want capital punishment, and they want a balanced budget. And I think even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while. Just to feed this illusion that they’re really in charge. Let’s use capital punishment the same way we use sports and television in this country, to distract people and take their minds off how bad they’re being fucked by the upper one percent. Now, unfortunately, unfortunately Monday Night Football doesn’t last long enough. What we really need is year-round capital punishment on TV every night with sponsors. Gotta have sponsors. I’m sure as long as we’re killing people Marlboro Cigarettes and Dow Chemical would be proud to participate! Proud to participate! Balance the stupid fucking budget!! And- and let me say this to you my interesting Judaea-Christian friends.
Not only- not only do I recommend crucifixions, but I’d also be in favor of bringing back beheadings!! Huh? Beheadings on TV, slow-motion, instant replay? And maybe you could let the heads roll down a little hill. And fall into one of five numbered holes. Let the people at home gamble on which hole the head is going to fall into. And you do it in a stadium so the mob can gamble on it too. Raise a little more money. And if you want to expand the violence a little longer to sell a few more commercials, instead of using an ax, you do the beheadings with a hand saw! Hey, don’t bail out on me now, Goddamnit! The blood is already on our hands, all we’re talking about is a matter of degree. You want something a little more delicate, we’ll do the beheadings with an olive fork. That would be nice. And it would take a good God damn long time. There’s a lot of good things we could be doing.
When’s the last time we burned someone at the stake? It’s been too long! Here’s another form of capital punishment, comes out of a nice, rich, religious tradition. Burning people at the stake. Sponsor: Britchford Charcoal. And you put it on TV on Sunday mornings. The Sunday Morning Evangelical Send Us An Offering Praise Jesus Human Bonfire! You don’t think that would get big ratings? In this sick fucking country?! Shit, you’d have people skipping church to watch this stuff! And you take the money they send in and the offerings and you use it to balance the budget. What about boiling people in oil? Boy those were the days weren’t they? You get the oil going real good, you know, a nice high rolling boil. And then slowly, at the end of a rope, you lower the perpetrator headfirst into the boiling oil. Huh? You talk about fun shit! And just to encourage citizen participation, you let the mob in the stadium control the speed of the rope. Good, clean, wholesome family entertainment.
The kids love it. The kids love it. And at the same time, they’re enjoying themselves, we’re teaching then a nice, Christian moral lesson. Boiling people in oil. Sponsor: Crisco! And maybe, maybe instead of boiling all these guys every now and then you could french-fry a couple of them, you know. French-fried felons. Dip a guy in egg batter, just for a goof, you know? Kind of a Tempura thing, huh? Jeffrey Dahmer never thought of this shit did he?! Jeffrey Dahmer, eat your heart out!! Which is an interesting thought, in and of itself! Alright, enough nostalgia, what about some modern forms of capital punishment.
How about we throw a guy off the World Trade Center and whoever he lands on wins the Publisher’s Clearing House? OK something a little more sophisticated, you dip a guy in brown gravy and lock him in a small room with a wolverine who’s high on angel dust. There’s one guy’s not going to be fucking with too many kids at the bus stop for a while. Here’s something really nice you could do. You shoot a guy out of a high-speed catapult… right into a brick wall!! Trouble is, it would be over too quick. No good for TV, you know? You’d have to do a whole bunch of guys right in a row. Rapid-fire capital punishment. Fifteen catapults, while you’re shooting off one, you’re loading up the others. ‘Course every now and then you would have to stop to clean off the wall. Cleanliness… right next to Godliness.
Alright, hi-tech. I sense some of yous are waiting for hi-tech. I got it. You take a small, tactical nuclear weapon… and stick it up a guy’s ass! A thermo-nuclear suppository! Preparation H-Bomb! You talk about fallout, huh? Woah! Or, you take the bomb and you stick it just inside that little hole on the end of a guy’s dick. Yeah, a bomb, in a dick! When it goes off, the guy wouldn’t know whether he was cumming or going!! Ah! Get outta here!! I gotcha! Hey… listen… I got a lot of good ideas. Balance the stupid fucking budget.