Written by 10:55 Standup Comedy Scripts

George Carlin On “Free-Floating Hostility” – Full Script

George Carlin is a Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor, and author. Being considered as one of the top comedians of all time, Again 1999.

Now, this next piece of material is really simple. it’s called free-floating hostility. 24 minor cultural items I’m bored with, tired of, and pissed at. So I hope you’re ready for a little random anger. People… people…
PEOPLE who make quote marks in the air with their fingers. Are you tired of these people yet? He said he was “Sober”. hey lady, “EAT ME”! Budda-boom budda-bing.
The next guy who says to me “budda-boom budda-bing” is getting kicked right in the fucking nuts. Budda-boom mother-fucker! Do you want to try budda-bing? Bad hair day. Where did this shit come from? What a superficial culture. Put on a hat and go to work you shallow cunt. It’s a good thing lewis and Clark never had a bad hair day, or daniel boone huh? Custer: he had a REALLY bad hair day. But he had it coming, that blond, blue-eyed, criminal fuck. What about these guys that tell you: “I heard that…”, “I heard that…”, oh you did do you? Well isn’t this exciting… what is this, a fucking hearing test? Did I wonder into a Beltone commercial here? Of course you “heard” you fucking nimrod.
I’m standing right next to ya… I’m going to move down here… I’m going to move a little farther away… BLOW ME! by any chance did you hear that? What about these people who tell you their needs aren’t being met? You run into this stuff? this is support-group shit, twelve-steppers. “my needs aren’t being met”. Know what i tell them? “DROP SOME OF YOUR NEEDS”. Life is a zero-sum game. What else is troubling me? Mickey Mouse’s birthday being announced on the television news as if it’s an actual event. i don’t give a shit. if i cared about mickey mouse’s birthday, I’d have memorized it years ago, and I’d send him a card: “dear mickey happy birthday love George”.
I don’t do that, why? because i don’t give a shit. fuck mickey mouse. fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick, then break it off and beat him with the rest of it. i hope mickey dies. i do, i hope he god-damn dies. i hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese, and dies lonely and forgotten, behind the baseboard of a soiled bathroom, in a poor neighborhood, with his hand in Goofy’s pants. Mickey Mouse – no wonder no one in the world takes our country serious. why do we waste valuable television-time, informing our citizens of the age of an imaginary rodent. Now let me ask you this: the two pandas in the zoo, do you care if they fuck? i don’t. why don’t they stop telling me on the news “the pandas didn’t fuck again this year”.
I’m not concerned. I have no emotional stake in panda fucking, all right? if they want to they will, if not, they’ll watch the price is right. probably the only reason they’re not doing it on time is ’cause some jack-off from the environmental movement has moved into the cage with them. could you get a hard-on if some guy in a green t-shirt with a stopwatch was taking your girlfriend’s rectal temperature? leave these creatures alone! And as long as we’re talking about the news, i don’t want to hear anything more about the sperm-egg donor, surrogate, in Vetro, test-tube, biological, adoptive foster parents who want their baby back. baby jane, baby ruth, baby this, baby that, baby it’s cold outside, I don’t give a shit. leave me alone and keep it off my tv. Sick American shit.
I’m also tired of hearing about “innocent victims”. this is an outmoded idea. there are no “innocent victims”. if you live on this planet, you’re guilty. period. fuck you. end of the report, next case. NEXT FUCKING CASE! next case. your birth certificate is proof of guilt. And what happened in this country that now suddenly everyone is walking around with their own personal bottle of water? when did we get so thirsty in America? is everybody so dehydrated they have to have their own portable supply of fluids with them at all times? get a drink before you leave the house.
Another crime against society: hyphenated names. Hey lady, pick a fucking name would you please? Pick a fucking name. “Hi, I’m Emily Jericho-Fordescu”. Hi I’m George jerk-me-off-fuck-you-too. You don’t acquire personal dignity by adding a name to your name. Feminists think it’s a “radical act”. It’s not. Castrating a guy in a parking lot with a coke bottle is a radical act. Hyphenating your name is pretentious bullshit. And what is going on with all these telephone-calling plans? Mci, at&t, is this shit really necessary? When did the phone bill become life’s most critical document? In a country where you can buy cinnamon dental floss, cheese in a spray can, and eatable women’s panties, are people really breaking their balls to save nine cents on a fucking phone call? Talking to your mother once a year might not be the most pleasant thing in the world, but it should not be seen as a critical spending decision.
Something else I don’t understand: motivation tapes. Motivation books. What happened here? Suddenly everybody needs to be motivated? It’s a fairly simple thing. Either you want to do something or you don’t. What’s the big mystery? Besides, if you’re motivated enough to go the store to buy a motivation book, aren’t you motivated enough to do that so you don’t need the book? Put it back. Tell the clerk “fuck you”, “I’m motivated”, “I’m going home”, “I’m going home”.
And can anyone explain to me the need for one-hour photo-finishing? You just saw the fucking thing, how can you possibly be nostalgic about a concept like a little while ago?
Another complaint: too many vehicles. There are some families in this country who own entirely too many vehicles. You see them on the highway in an RV but that’s not enough for them. The RV’s not enough. Behind them, they’re towing a motorboat, go-cart, dune-buggy, dirt-bike, jet-ski, snowmobile, para-sail, hang-glider, windsurfing equipment, a hot air balloon, and a small two-man deep-sea diving-bell. Doesn’t anyone just take a fucking walk anymore? The only thing these people lack is a lunar excursion module. Too many choices America. It’s not healthy.
Another abomination: white guys over ten years of age who wear their baseball hats backward. Listen to me, white guys. Let me tell you something. You’re never going to be as cool as black guys, it’s not going to happen… You’re white, and you’re lame. It’s a fucking law of nature. Turning your hat around and learning a complicated handshake will not make you cool. And you black guys, since you started the whole thing, I’m going to let you stay with the hats a little bit longer, but I think really, once you qualify for social security it’s time to spin that motherfucker around to the front of you all right? Yeah. Another tip.
Another tip for the men. The earring. The thing with the earrings. It’s over. It’s been over for a long time. It doesn’t mean anything anymore. It was supposed to piss off the squares. The squares are wearing them now! It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just fucking jewelry unless you have an earring with a live baby hanging from it. It’s just jewelry. And I want you to know I’m in favor of self-mutilation and personal disfigurement. I’ve always said there’s nothing like puncturing and perforating your skin in a dozen or so places in order to demonstrate your high self-esteem. When I see a young man decorating his scalp with a soldering iron I say: there’s a happy guy, thinks highly of himself.
And haven’t we gone a little over-board with these colored ribbons for different causes? Every cause has it’s own colored ribbon now. Red for aids. Blue for child-abuse. Pink for breast cancer. Green for the rain forest. Purple for urban violence. I got a brown one. Do you know what it means? EAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER! EAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER!
And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes, who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose, not a word? You never hear them say: “Jesus made me drop the ball, the Good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage”. According to these guys, Jesus is undefeated. Meanwhile, these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those “miracles”.
And speaking of delusional people, what about a guy who hears a voice in his head which tells him to kill his entire family, so he does it. Is this the only thing a voice in the head ever tells these people to do, is to kill others? Doesn’t a voice ever tell a guy: “go take a shit on the salad bar at wendy’s”. Doesn’t a voice… doesn’t a voice tell a guy to take out his dick on the merry-go-round once in a while? Well, some guys do take out their dicks on the merry-go-round, but usually, it’s their own idea.
Something else i can do without after-shave and cologne, and this disgusting shit that men put on their bodies. Just what I need in the elevator, some guy standing next to me smells like a fucking pine tree. I say go home and wash your smelly prick. You smell like the urinal in a Portuguese cat-house. God-damn guys are stupid. Guys are really fucking dumb. They think they’re going to get laid with this stuff you know. Oh yeah, they put it on at home thinking: oh boy, oh boy, I’ll get laid tonight. I’ll get laid tonight. You don’t get laid with green shit that comes out of a bottle okay? The only smell that’s going to help you get laid might be your own natural scent. You have pheromones. It’s a secondary sex characteristic.
people in America, they’re all nervous about sex. They want to cover it up and disguise it. Guys in Europe, they know how to live. Guy gets in an elevator over there, he smells like a pile of dog shit, those people are sophisticated!
Getting pretty tired of these guys walking around in cowboy hats and cowboy boots. Do you ever see these jack-offs? Can’t we kill some of these motherfuckers? Walking around in a fucking cowboy hat. Grown men. It’s not even Halloween for christ-sakes. I say “hey Tex grow up and get yourself a wardrobe consistent with the century you’re living in”. Why do certain men feel the need to dress up as mythic figures? You don’t see anyone walking around in a pirate costume, do you? When was the last guy you ran into who had on a Viking outfit? Make-believe cowboys… the closest they ever got to a cow, is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby’s.
And camcorders: here is technology gone bezerk. Everywhere you go now, there’s some dick, some yo-yo, some putz, with a camcorder. And he is going to tape everything. Doesn’t anyone in this country just stop and look at things anymore? Sort of take them in, maybe even remember them? Is that such a strange notion? Does experience have to be documented, and brought home, and saved on the shelf? And do people really watch this shit? Are people’s lives so bankrupt, they sit at home looking at things they already did? And these guys are so intense you know. It’s always guys, they won’t let women touch the cameras. It’s a highly technical skill. Look for a hole. Push on a button. Big skill. and they all think they’re Federico Fellini. Low-angles zooms and pans, and it’s the same ugly three children in every god-damn shot. All the George Lucas magic in Hollywood is not going to change the unfortunate genetic configuration on the faces of these children. Keep these unfortunate youngsters out of public view.
Now a lot of these cultural crimes I’ve been complaining about can be blamed on the baby-boomers. Something else I’m a little tired of hearing about, the baby-boomers. Whiney, narcissistic, self-indulgent people, with a simple philosophy: “gimme-it it’s mine”! “give-me-that it’s mine”! These people were given everything. Everything was handed to them, and they took it all. I took it all. Sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. And they stayed loaded for twenty years and had a free ride, but now they’re staring down the barrel of middle-age burn-out, and they don’t like it. They don’t like it so they’ve turned self-righteous, and they want to make things hard on younger people. They tell them to: “abstain” from sex. “Say no” to drugs. As for the rock-n-roll, they sold that for television commercials a long time ago, so they could buy pasta-machines, and “stair-masters”, and “soybean-futures”. “Soybean-futures”.
You know something? They’re cold bloodless people. It’s in their slogans. It’s in their rhetoric. “No pain no gain”, “just do it”, “life is short play hard”, “shit happens deal with it”, “get a life”. These people went from “do your own thing” to “just say no”. They went from “love is all you need” to “whoever winds up with the most toys wins”.
And they went from cocaine to rogaine. And you know something? They’re still counting grams, only now it’s fat grams. And the worst of it is, the rest of us have to watch these commercials on TV for Levi’s loose-fitting jeans, and fat-ass docker pants, because these degenerate yuppie-boomer-cocksuckers couldn’t keep their hands off the croissants, and the häagen-dazs. And their big fat asses have spread all over and they have to wear fat-ass docker pants. Fuck these boomers. Fuck these yuppies. And fuck everybody now that I think about of it. Well sometimes in comedy you have to generalize.